Slipping

My heart tells me it'll all be ok, it'll all turn out fine-- I love you and forever will. It's naive, I know. There's so many red flags, so many problems that my logical side can see-- all my alarms are going off. And yet, here I am, still right by your side, even if it's killing me.

Some days I wake up and hate every part of myself because I've become someone I don't want to be, don't want to see. I work so hard for that little bit of praise, that little bit of love, that little bit of affirmation from you. But when I get tired and my heart cannot suppress my logic, I look back and wonder if all this pain and suffering was worth destroying myself for.

Lately, you've been telling me that I talk too much, am too needy, and whine a lot. And perhaps you're right. Or perhaps I've no longer got that special place in your heart where you love to hear my voice, love to spend time together, love to listen to my day. It tears me apart to think of this possibility.

It's days like these where I slip up and logic wins over my weakened heart. I guess it's been so long that I've become complacent and afraid of change. I'm learning slowly that perhaps I need to move on or things won't change and years down the road I'll live with the regret of my decision. Perhaps you're right. I'm immature, fantasizing about the perfect you, that I don't see all the problems all our differences that threaten to tear us apart.

When I recover once again, I'll put that strong face on, let my heart take charge, and carry on this potentially tragic love story.

Expiry

I imagined a partner who would share goals with me and we'd work together for our future... but it feels as though you've slowed down while I kept running along. I never thought I would ever set an expiry date on our relationship, I thought we would be forever. However, I realize I have a rough timeline I want to follow and inadvertently set an expiry date on our relationship if certain conditions aren't met. This doesn't mean our love will expire, at least not on my end. I'm sure I'll still be loving you for some time afterwards should we find ourselves separate. Am I being too realistic? Is this what and who I truly am? A woman who sets deadlines-- even for relationships? I guess it's all part of the learning.

Ungrateful

Have you ever met one of those people who ask for your help, blame you if it goes wrong, and are rarely grateful for your efforts? Quite defeating isn't it?

I had someone ask me to call and make a reservation at a restaurant for an event with friends, but found out that they may not be able to accommodate us. He got upset and blamed me for not being able to make the booking (restaurant doesn't take reservations), told me to go find another place (as if it were my fault), and when I told him I had something to do-- he subsequently tried to guilt-trip me into thinking that this was all my fault and I should fix HIS mess. Clearly disrespectful and ungrateful for the efforts I'd already made for HIS event. I'd already called other similar restaurants to see if they could accommodate us, and was waiting for them to get back to me. In the meantime, my day was already ruined by an ungrateful fool.

I haven't figured out how to end this positive feedback cycle of helping ungrateful people, because innately, I believe that if I have the ability to help others, I shall try my best. I end up hurting myself more, and suffering for it, while those ungrateful beings feel nothing.

Stay true to my principles, or change who I am for those who make the world a meaner place? I think not the latter, sadly.

Lesson learnt: Ungrateful people make you more aware of how to be grateful that you have this wonderful ability (to be grateful)-- it's a beautiful thing.

Unconditional

I thought I loved unconditionally. I thought I was loved unconditionally. But who truly is able to do something like that unconditionally? Perhaps only some parents are able to love their children unconditionally. Even then, they set forth expectations for the children to achieve to be rewarded. They'll love them regardless of achievement, but still hold expectations. Likewise, I thought you loved me unconditionally. Who am I to judge, when I'm unable to love purely unconditionally? I hold expectations and stand by my principles. I get upset, I get frustrated, but I'll still love you regardless. Perhaps one might deem that as foolishness, but to each their own. Should one continue loving someone unconditionally, if it isn't reciprocated? Am I suffocating you...?

Lesson learnt: Not everyone defines unconditional in the same way

Disappointment

Sometimes I wonder why this emotion exists. It only leads down a dark, painful road of unpleasant feelings. I go through every day, hoping things will be better, maybe you'll be less disappointing. I see you making the same mistakes again and again. I keep getting hurt time and again. I'm even tempted to give up on us at times. Where do these ugly thoughts come from? Perhaps its been too long. I'm tired of your games. Your lies. You say you'll do this with me, but when the time comes, you're not there. When I need someone, you'd rather continue your tantrum rather than help me. Winning fights seem to be more important than the relationship between us. Perhaps I do hold too many hopes and expectations. I won't lower my standards because of you though, I'm going to keep striving to be better, and to live happily. I'll learn to love myself first.

Lesson learnt: Disappointment is a passing emotion, don't let others drag you down. Hold expectations for yourself. Focus on yourself before others.

Timing

Perhaps we met at the wrong time. Perhaps this is fate. I feel if we met under different circumstances, or at a different time, things would have ended up differently. Perhaps we are from worlds too far apart to begin with. A myriad of possibilities, but I know for sure, this is the one I ended up with. Timing is everything. If I had met you before you finally reached your limit, would we have worked out? I feel deep inside, you're a kind soul. The harshness of reality has caused you to shrink back and hide from it while putting up a strong front to protect yourself. I can't say I know you very well, but I feel that your carefree front is only to avoid being too serious and getting hurt again. Who are you, you mysterious man?

Lesson learnt: Being at the right place, at the right time changes everything.

Kindness

Today I learned that kindness can be a double-edged sword. Every person has their own way of thinking and sometimes may differ from yours. What I took to be kindness to someone actually put him in a worse predicament than intended. I put a dear friend in an internal struggle because I was too kind. Perhaps I need some lessons on how to bestow kindness with a clear intent-- my intent.

Lesson learnt: Kindness is a double-edged sword-- may do good and at the same time do bad.